


Driftingless and Dream

by pablorewind



Category: Video Blogging RPF
Genre: 'Platonic' cuddling, Abandoned Work - Unfinished and Discontinued, Angst, Cute, Depression, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Hurt/Comfort, Insomnia, Jealous Mark, Jealousy, Kinda, Love, M/M, Mutual Pining, Oops, Sad, but it will get happier i promise lol, ethan is sad ok, it will just be a while before I come back to this one, they share a bed
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-02
Updated: 2020-04-25
Packaged: 2021-02-26 10:25:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,192
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22513411
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pablorewind/pseuds/pablorewind
Summary: Ethan and Mark have feelings.
Relationships: Mark Fischbach/Ethan Nestor
Comments: 44
Kudos: 313





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> uhh idrk where this is going just thought it was cute. maybe eventual smut? idk yet. hope you enjoy!

Ethan blinked, eyes stinging slightly from being open to long. He hadn't even noticed that he had been staring mindlessly at the wall, his brain fuzzy, lagging. _God_ he was exhausted. He rolled onto his back, eyes adjusting, and just about opening wide enough to read the time projected on his ceiling. 2:28. Fuck. He had 'gone to bed' at 10, as per Mark's suggestion at seeing how pale and tired he looked. Little did he know Ethan had been struggling to sleep for weeks, and he had no idea why- nothing out of the ordinary had happened to cause it- and he also had no clue why he was hiding it.

His brain traced back to earlier that day, when Mark had asked him if everything was okay, his eyes laced with worry, said he had noticed how exhausted he had looked during recording. His concern warmed Ethan, but at the same time sent a jolt of panic down his spine, as he nervously fumbled out an excuse. But _why?_ There was no reason he should be ashamed, no reason he shouldn't want to tell Mark, or anyone, but he didn't. And that left him, lying sleeplessly in his bed again, alone, to afraid to ask for help.

He was out of his mind with boredom, longing for any kind of distraction, and this led him to wondering whether Mark was awake. He knew he often stayed up late, usually editing, perfecting a thumbnail, or watching a movie. Lying in bed for hours every night, with not even a shred of entertainment to aid the relentless wait for the sun to rise tended to make someone go crazy. And Ethan had just about worn out from it. He was so, so tired, and craved a good nights sleep more than oxygen. He craved something, anything to keep him busy. But most of all, he craved Mark. Like all the time. He didn't know why.

Actually he did, for the most part. Increasingly, he had been feeling more and more sad and empty, a sadness that overwhelmed him, gnawing away at him, which led to the emptiness. A sense of being incomplete, not knowing what he was doing or why he was here and feeling like no one really wanted him there. Sometimes he'd feel so unhappy he couldn't cope, his brain telling him how no one cared, and no one wanted him to be alive, filling up his brain with so many negative thoughts that he couldn't think anything else, couldn't breathe, couldn't sleep. Or, the opposite, where he'd find himself crying without even noticing, so numb that he couldn't feel anything except how lonely he was, how nothing made him happy, nothing made him fulfilled except- except Mark.

Mark made him feel safe, made him feel _wanted_, a feeling that in his emptiness he craved more and more every day. Honestly their new channel had made him so happy, for the first time in so long. He would end recordings with his stomach aching from laughter, his mouth hurting from smiling so damn hard, and his head fuzzy from feeling like he meant something to someone.

He blinked again, realizing he had been thinking about Mark for a bit too long. But _god_ he missed him, even though he was just next door. _You could just go see him. You could be with him right now_.

He sat up, dragging himself out of bed. _I'm just checking if he's awake. If he's not, I'll just come back to bed. No harm done. He'll probably be asleep anyway._

Goosebumps formed on his skin from the cold, so he grabbed a hoodie from his chair, pulling it over him as he padded into the hallway, carefully keeping his noise to a minimum. He reached Mark's door, hands shaking slightly in anticipation as he softly knocked.

The silence racked his nerves, his heart pounding, but his racing thoughts ceased when he heard a soft 'Come in'.

Hoping he hadn't woken him up, he creaked open the door, his eyes immediately meeting Marks. He was sitting on his bed, hands resting on his laptop, wearing pants thank god, and a t-shirt that was just tight enough to make Ethan's throat go dry. He looked tired, although unlike Ethan, he had slept in the past week, and was actually functioning like a normal human being. 

'Hey' Mark spoke softly, smiling up at him.The light from his lamp beside him illuminated his features, catching on his teeth slightly in the dimness of the room.

'Hi I- uh- couldn't sleep, could I um...join you maybe?' he stuttered. _Jeez, why did he have to be so nervous every time he was around Mark? It was ridiculous._

Mark nodded, 'Yeah sure man' he mumbled patting at the bed beside him, and Ethan made his way over, sitting close but not too close to him. He already felt enough like he was bothering him. 

'You wanna watch a movie or something?' Mark asked, minimizing the tab in which he was editing and pulling up Netflix. 

'Uh yeah, I don't mind what though- you choose', Ethan shivered a little, still cold from his venture through the hall, and tugged on the ends of his sleeves. Mark noticed, pulling the blanket from under them and tucking them both under it. Unnoticed by Mark, the boy's cheeks reddened from his actions.

'There's this new horror movie I've been wanting to watch, it's like demons or zombies or something I think? I've been told it's good- you up for it?'

'OooOh spooky, sounds good', his response earning a chuckle from Mark as he clicked on it.

Soon, Ethan began to regret the choice of film, fingers beginning to grip the sheets with terror and hoping Mark wouldn't call him out on how much of a chicken he was. This was definitely not going to help him get to sleep.

A particularly sudden jump scare caused him to jolt and let out a yelp of fear, blushing as Mark burst out into laughter. 'This is the scariest thing I've ever watched, Jesus Christ why, why are you making me watch this?' Ethan whined.

'Aww come here you big baby' he mocked, looping his arm around Ethan and pulling him closer, rubbing his shoulder reassuringly. His heart rate skyrocketed, cheeks burning at Marks touch. 'We can stop and watch something else if you want to'. Ethan shook his head, leaning into Mark, trying his hardest (but failing) to focus on the movie, rather than how close they were.

Unknown to Ethan, Mark was trying to do the exact same thing. With Ethan's head slowly resting on his shoulder, he could feel the tendrils of soft hair tickling his neck, and was close enough to smell the intoxicating scent of his shampoo. His arm rose and fell along with Ethan's soft, slow breathing, and he could feel every inch of their skin which was in contact, their sides pressed together in a way that was short-circuiting Mark's brain. Ethan shifted slightly, bending his legs which were previously flat next to Mark's so that his knees rested on Mark's lower thigh, almost curling into him, sending jolts of electricity up Mark's spine. _Fucking hell man, pull yourself together_. 

A loud noise caused Ethan to jump again, but this time it didn't come from the movie. 'Oh my God what was that' Ethan breathed, the pitch of his voice raising in fear. He huddled closer to Mark, who was desperately trying to ignore how adorable Ethan was being right now. The noise- something between a bang or a crash- sounded again, and Ethan's hand dropped from his mouth, where he was chewing at his nails anxiously, to Mark's shirt, gripping it tightly. Marks heart was racing, but not from the loud noises, trying to figure out what they could be, but concentrating was kind of hard for him right now. 'It-uh sounds like it's probably outside' he struggled out.

'Oh, okay' Ethan replied, calming down, but not removing his hand. Mark's brain was gone instantly, the movie still playing but long forgotten in his mind, couldn't think of anything except Ethan, how close they were, how good he smelt, how much his heart fucking burst every time he so much as breathed near him. God he was so in love with him. He didn't know how, or when exactly he realized, he just knew he was, and overwhelmingly so.

Soon Ethan began to drift to sleep, Mark noting the slowing of his breathing, and the hand he was so overly aware of relaxed, flattening until his palm was resting on his chest, Mark thanking god that Ethan wasn't awake and couldn't feel how fast his heart was racing. He switched off the movie, closed his laptop, and reluctantly unwound himself from Ethan, gently laying him down propping a pillow underneath his head, not having the heart to wake him up and get him to go sleep in his own bed, but also, secretly, not wanting him to leave (ever).

Once Ethan was settled he got and moved to the other side of the bed, letting Ethan have the side they had warmed. Finally, heart rate beginning to dip back down to a relatively normal rate for the first time that evening, he drifted off to sleep.

-


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here's another chapter i guess lol have fun

Ethan woke to the sound of an unfamiliar alarm clock, confused as he slowly blinked his eyes open, and even more confused when the sound stopped. He rolled over, towards the sound and froze, stomach flipping when a pair of brown eyes locked with his own.

'Hello' Marks voice was low, rumbly from having just woken up, and it sent Ethan's heart up into his throat. He gulped.

'I- um- uh... hi?' he stuttered, mind blanking, causing Mark to chuckle.

_What had happened last night?_ His face turned red when he remembered. Rolling over completely, he rested his head on the pillow so that they were face to face. Mark looked heart-wrenchingly irresistible, his hair tousled from sleep, his gaze so intense yet soft, in a way that felt so intimate it was almost physical- he could almost feel himself wrapped in Mark's warmth. Waking up next to him was sending Ethan's mind in spirals of thoughts and emotions he could really do without.

Suddenly Ethan noticed a lack of fogginess in his brain- _he had actually slept-_ and it had been so long that he could barely remember what awakeness felt like. As if he could read his mind, Mark's smile waned, the mood almost deepening already, his eyes boring into Ethan's in a way that made his stomach tingle. 'Why haven't you been sleeping lately?'.

A familiar wave of panic washed over Ethan, and he opened his mouth to dismiss the question but was stopped by the look in Mark's eyes. _He knows, there's no point in lying. He knows and... he cares?_ 'I don't know' Ethan replied honestly, averting his eyes from Mark's intense gaze.

'Is everything ok?' Mark asked, and _g__od_ there was so much genuine care in his voice that Ethan almost melted. 

Ethan nodded, 'Yeah, I'm just- I've just got a lot on my plate'.

Mark was unconvinced, hand subconsciously reaching out and brushing the side of Ethan's face. Suddenly their proximity was suffocating, there were so many things that Mark wanted to do so badly in that moment, and didn't trust himself to hold back from doing. He cleared his throat, sitting up and leaving the warmth that was Ethan, and his bed, and Ethan in his bed, not daring to look back until he was far enough away to have some control over himself. 'I should probably go for a run or something', he got out, stumbling over is words slightly, 'I'll see you later'.

Ethan watched him leave, brain still processing everything from last night to this morning, his thoughts just filled with Mark and Mark only. _God he had to get over this man, or it was going to kill him._

That thought reoccurred to him over the rest of the week, until finally he decided to do something about it. Sitting alone, cross-legged on his bed, he went on to the app store and downloaded Tinder. He was already getting anxious, just from the thought of people he didn't know being able to see him, but he carried on regardless, filling in his details because this was worth it to get over Mark. He paused when it asked him his sexuality, finger hovering over the drop-down menu. He had previously thought of himself as straight, never even considered being with a guy, that was, until Mark had come along and made him more confused than he had ever been in his life. Now, he couldn't even imagine being attracted to anyone else _(__gee thanks Mark)_ let alone distinguish whether he wanted to date men or women. After deliberation, clicked the 'I am looking for both men and women' option, and continued with his profile.

He jumped in surprise as the phone in his hand started ringing, and a picture of Mark flashed up on the screen. He answered, heart pounding, nervous, as though he had just been caught doing something he shouldn't. Mark's smooth voice filled his ears:

_Hey Eth, I'm on my way back, but I just- uh- remembered that I have a doctors appointment this afternoon, so I was thinking we should maybe film the video earlier so that we can edit or chill later?_

'Oh yeah sure, that sounds good, how far away are you?'

_Uhh, I should be there in about... ten minutes?_

'Ok cool, I'll start setting up the recording stuff'

_Cool, see you soon._

'Bye'

_Bye._

The call ended, his screen reverting back to what he was doing before, and a wave of guilt coursed through him. Until it fell, he didn't notice that he was smiling to himself the whole call. _Why did he feel guilty?_ He shook it off, finishing his profile. He felt a shot of panic as it went live, but ignored it, and went to set up the equipment.

Soon, Mark was home and they had started filming, after Mark had spent another 10 minutes adjusting the lights to his liking, of course. It was another ranking video, and apart from the presence of a few computers and cameras, it felt like a normal conversation. That was, until an obnoxiously loud alert sounded from Ethan's phone. Ethan recognized it instantly as the tinder alert- _jesus christ why hadn't he put his phone on silent-_ and his heart spiked in panic.

Mark didn't seem to recognize the sound, looking at Ethan inquisitively. 'What was that? Are you...' he trailed off, noticing the blush that colored Ethan's cheeks, 'embarrassed?'

Ethan gave him a look that screamed _drop it_, but Mark was too curious to stop.

'Should I be asking... _who_ is that?' he said, slow and deep, his voice containing undertones of something Ethan couldn't quite place.

Ethan shook his head, backing away slightly. Mark reached for Ethan's phone, but he pulled back, grabbing his phone from his pocket and holding it high above his head, not really registering that Mark was taller than him and he was probably making the situation much worse for himself. As he was retreating, the backs of his legs met the couch. _Uh-oh._ Mark was between him and the door.

In a pathetic attempt to bypass Mark, he ducked under his arm, but the older mans reflexes were too fast, grabbing Ethan's waist and preventing him from going anywhere. Ethan froze the moment he was pulled against Mark, not able to concentrate on anything except the dizzying feeling of Mark's chest pressed against his own, allowing Mark to reach over easily pluck the phone from his hand.

Ethan's mouth moved to protest but it was too late, Mark already turning on his phone, eyebrows raising as he read his notifications. 'You have a message from Tinder' he stated, handing the phone back to Ethan. He couldn't think, under Mark's intense gaze, just stared at him in silence for a moment.

'I- uh- yeah sorry, I'll put it on silent', he stammered, finally taking the phone from Mark, who was still looking at him with an unreadable face. He dropped it, and they continued with the video, but Ethan could tell something was off. Mark kept glancing at the clock, staring off into space, or not finishing a point he was making, leaving them in long, uncomfortable silences. Mark was rarely ever like this, and Ethan hated it, just wanting to fix whatever he'd done. They eventually got enough footage for the video, and they packed up in silence before Mark left for his appointment, both of them visibly relieved to be escaping the unbearable tension.

Finally by himself again, Ethan checked his tinder and to his surprise was greeted by a few messages. He clicked the first one.

_Hey, you're pretty cute, fancy meeting up sometime?_

Scanning the profile, he saw that it was a 28 year old man called Jonathan, who was pretty good-looking from his pictures. _Why not? He seems nice enough._ He quickly typed out a reply.

'Yeah I would- when do you suggest?'

He scrolled through some of the other messages, looking for another potential date, but to his surprise the first guy replied almost instantly.

_Are you free tonight?_

He and Mark had no specific plans for that night, and would probably just end up editing or watching a movie, but he still felt bad leaving him alone with such late notice. Except then he remembered that Mark was pissed for some reason and probably didn't want Ethan around anyway, so really there was no reason for him to say no.

'I am actually' he replied.

_Cool, there's this restaurant nearby- I'll send you the time and address?_

'Sounds good.'

_Okay, see you there._

Ethan was getting ready when Mark got back, and Mark was midst removing his shoes when Ethan came down to get his stuff- coat, keys, wallet- that he needed for his date.

Every time Mark saw the boy it felt like one of those cheesy scenes from movies, when the character first locks eyes with their love interest, and is forced to take them in for a moment. Ethan looked beautiful- as always- face lighting up into a smile when he saw Mark, wearing one of the patterned shirts he seemed to love, and the thought fluttered through Mark's head, the thought he always had whenever he saw Ethan- _I love you-_ and he hated it, hating wanting something he couldn't have.

'Where are you off to?' he asked.

'I've got a um, date?' Ethan replied, clearly nervous.

'Oh.' Another one of those frustratingly uncomfortable silences fell across them.

'Who with?'

'His names Jonathan', he said distractedly, looking for his shoes, not even realizing what he was disclosing.

Mark was slightly surprised, Ethan never showing interest in men before, but didn't push it. 'Are you sure it's safe? Like are you sure he's not a catfish or a serial killer or something?', he asked.

'Tinder's pretty good at verification, but even so we're meeting in a public place so it should be fine. Sorry for not telling you earlier, he just asked and we didn't really have any plans so I thought it would be okay. I should have told you though, if you don't want me to I can cancel or if-'

'No, no, no it's fine of course it's fine', Mark cut off Ethan's rambling,' Just be safe, okay?'

Ethan nodded, grateful of Mark's concern, a quick 'See you later' before he was gone.

Mark sat in silence, feeling his emotions building up too fast for him to control. He felt so much anger and frustration and _raw pain_ swelling up inside of him, with no outlet, all his muscles clenched in an effort to contain himself, his nails digging into his palms until they drew blood, but it wasn't enough, couldn't satiate Ethan's absence. _Why could Ethan go around, just living his life, while he had to sit around, not bearing to be without him? It wasn't fair. It wasn't fucking fair. Why did he have to be in love?_

He swore, locking his fingers around his phone beside him and violently flinging it at the wall. He heard it shatter and buried his head in his hands, sinking down onto the stairs behind him and leaning weakly on the banister. _Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck._ His hands were shaking, but he couldn't really feel them, couldn't really feel the tears in his eyes or the cuts on his hands over the ache in his chest. There wasn't really a way to express the excruciating pain Ethan was putting him through-except maybe a solid 10 on the emotional pain scale- and what made it worse was that _it wasn't even Ethan's fault._ He couldn't blame him at all, he didn't cause this he didn't _make _Mark fall in love with him, god he would probably be repulsed by the idea of Mark liking him like that. Ethan had been nothing but good to him, and sometimes it was almost annoying how he literally never did anything wrong, never did anything to ease Mark getting over him.

Mark hated crying, hated feeling vulnerable, hated being weak. Even though there was no one there to see it he still felt pathetic, crying over some silly little crush- _but god it was so much more than a silly little crush_\- and he hated it.

-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i was going to apologise for it being short but then i noticed it was longer than the previous chapter whoops. the next chapters even longer already so it should be out soon if i can get my life together. hope you enjoyed!


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> helloo sorry it took a while to finish, this is a longish one and v sad (sorry guys) !spoilers! but tw: sexual assault

When he got to the restaurant, Ethan found his way to a table, and sat, knee bouncing anxiously, checking his phone every few seconds to be greeted with a blank screen. No notifications. A cough from in front of him drew his attention from his phone, eyes glancing up to see a man that matched the pictures on his profile. _Thank fuck._ Looking him over, he noted fair blonde hair, neatly combed back and meticulously styled away from the face, and icy blue eyes, full of emotions he couldn't read (far from similar to the warm brown he was used to). His smile was friendly, but impersonal, and didn't send butterflies to his stomach (_like Mark's did_). _Fuck. He had to stop comparing everyone to Mark._

'Hi, I'm Jonathan, you must be Ethan am I right?' The man reached out a hand to shake Ethan's, his grip strong and assertive, and Ethan got a whiff of his strong cologne.

'Uh yeah, hi, that's me', he replied, stammering on his words a little, hoping he wasn't making a bad impression already. They sat down and began polite conversation, browsing the menu before ordering, and Ethan had to keep reminding himself to keep an open mind. _You aren't going to fall in love on the first date, you have to be patient._ Ethan's persistent efforts to enjoy himself were having a surprisingly positive effect, and although it was never as comfortable as the time he spent with Mark, he found himself laughing along at the guy's jokes, and having a lot better time than he thought he would.

Soon, they were finishing up their meal, and Jonathan offered Ethan to come to his. Instinctively, Ethan's mouth went to say no- just because he had been having fun, doesn't mean he had stopped thinking about Mark- as even though they had only been apart a few hours he had already begun to miss him. _Pathetic. You need to learn to have a life- Mark probably doesn't enjoy you following him around all the time. Also, if you go home now, this whole evening will be undone, all your feelings will come back full force._ So, surprising himself, Ethan agreed.

Driving his car to his house, Ethan's nerves began to build up- he was always nervous around Mark but this was different- he wasn't used to not feeling completely safe around someone- after spending so much of his time with Mark- and although this guy seemed very trustworthy, it was the unfamiliarity of the situation which stirred up his anxiety. At last they made it, Jonathan leading him inside and motioning him to seat himself on the couch.

'I had a good time with you.' He started, eyes meeting Ethan's, 'Do you think you would want to do it again sometime?', he smiled sweetly, and Ethan nodded, _not really, _'Yeah, yeah that'd be good'. The man's grin widened, and before Ethan could react he was leaning in, connecting their lips. And... nothing. He kissed back, but there was no passion, no chemistry. _This is what normal people do, right? Normal people who go on normal dates and aren't hopelessly crushing on their unobtainable best friend? _This guy was nice, and nice was what he needed. Also he actually seemed to like him, which was a nice change.

Jonathan deepened the kiss, leaning closer and placing his hand on Ethan's thigh, drifting it up. Ethan couldn't help but imagine what this would be like if it were Mark, kissing him, touching him, _wanting him, _and kissed back more fiercely this time, wrapping his arms around his neck and letting him take it further. Suddenly, his hands were working on the button of Ethan's jeans, everything happening too quickly for him to react. His brain screamed at him to stop, but he only snapped out of his daze when he felt their skin touch, as Jonathan's hands snaked under the waistband of his boxers, and it all came crashing down on him. His hands were cold and unfamiliar, his smell too strong and pungent, and his touch _so distinctively not Mark's_, and the reality of the situation finally caught up with him.

'Stop' he mumbled against Jonathan's lips, pulling his hands away, but the man didn't respond, hands sliding behind him and dragging him closer, 'Stop.' he stated, more firmly this time, 'I- I want to stop'. This time Jonathan heard him and pulled back, confused.

'Why?' he asked, a look in his eyes Ethan couldn't quite trace.

'I don't know, it just... doesn't feel right, I'm sorry'. Ethan hated disappointing people, and if it wasn't affecting him that much he probably would have just let the guy continue, but he felt so confused, so scared, and all he wanted right now was to go home to Mark, no matter the consequences. He felt suffocated, that if he stayed much longer a panic attack would come on, and he didn't want that to happen in front of the very nice stranger who would have no idea how to deal with it.

'But you seemed fine, what happened? Are you okay?'

'I don't know' Ethan repeated, unsure, too many thoughts flying through his brain at lightning speed, moving to stand up but stopped when Jonathan grabbed his wrist.

'Hang on, you're just going to leave? I thought you were enjoying yourself, we had such a nice time.' Ethan attempted to tug away, but his grip was unyielding, his tone changing, 'You can't just leave without thanking me for dinner.' Ethan felt like he was going to cry, the lump growing in his throat until he couldn't breathe, his senses overwhelmed with everything that was going on, dread starting to seep into his foggy mind.

'I- I'm really sorry, but I just want to go' he fumbled on his words, voice cracking at the end. All he could think was _you have to get out, you have to get out._

'No' Jonathan stated firmly, standing up, harshly pulling Ethan up with him and slamming him against the nearest wall. 'I waited for this all night, and you aren't going to deprive me of it now', his voice, previously sweet now dripped with venom, sending Ethan's mind spiraling in panic, feeling so scared he wanted to throw up.

He flipped Ethan so that his front was facing the wall, pinning his arms above his head, and dipping his mouth to the back of his neck, no longer holding back as his teeth nipped at Ethan's skin. He was sobbing now, barely getting the words out of his mouth as he begged him to stop. _No, no, no this can't be happening._

One of had hands left Ethan's wrists and began roughly tugging down his jeans. A burst of adrenaline rushed through him, as if his brain had just comprehended the situation he was in, and he pulled his arms towards him as hard as he could, managing to elbow the man in the side of his face. Heart pounding and head spinning furiously, he managed to duck under his arm and shoot towards the door. He couldn't even think, his body on autopilot as he sprinted his way out of the building, not even feeling the ache in his chest and legs from the exertion.

Finally he was in his car, fingers fumbling to get out his keys, his lungs halfway in between breathing and sobbing, ignoring the faint voice in the back of his head telling him that he probably shouldn't be driving right now, considering he was in some sort of shock induced panic attack.

He was home before he registered it, and had just about avoided getting himself into a car crash, even if he had come close a few times. He leaned on the door, knees feeling like they could give in any second, his hands shaking so badly that the key just seemed to bounce around the lock, and his fear heightening by the second. _What if he followed me? What if he's going to come and finish what he started?_ He was sobbing again, both out of fear and frustration, and Mark must have heard something because he found himself falling in through the doorway as the door was swung open.

Their eyes met, Mark immediately reaching out to catch him but Ethan flinched away, head down and as he started towards his room, but was stopped when Mark grabbed his wrist. It was a soft grab, more like a touch than anything and nothing like before, but it didn't stop Ethan's eyes widening as a look of pure terror passed over his face.

Mark looked down from his swollen red eyes to his arm, a question forming in his mouth, which instantly snapped shut the moment he saw the bruises starting to form on Ethan's wrist. His grip released, and he and Ethan were frozen for a moment, allowing Mark to notice that his jeans were undone and unzipped, hanging loosely on his hips, and the red, violent marks scattered across his neck, as images of what could have happened flooded his brain. And then the moment was gone, Ethan stumbling off to his room, while Mark could do nothing but stare in shock. He followed him, calling his name weakly, but his door was already closed, and the muffled sobs he heard from the other side just about broke his heart. He didn't even hesitate before entering, greeted with the sight of Ethan sitting on the side of his bed, head in his hands, and cautiously made his way over and wrapped him arms around him. Ethan leaned into it, Mark rubbing his back reassuringly.

'Hey, shh it's ok, just breathe, you're safe, no one's going to hurt you. I promise I won't let anyone hurt you', Mark didn't even try to hide the way his voice cracked at the end of each sentence.

Ethan was shaking, struggling to breathe, but still painfully aware of Mark being there. He dropped his hands into his lap, clenching them tightly, 'I'm sorry, you- you don't have to deal with this' he stammered.

Mark's heart dropped, his spare hand reaching out to Ethan's, intertwining their fingers, and using his other arm to pull him impossibly closer, detesting the way he could smell someone else's scent on Ethan. 'I want to', he whispered, so close that his lips brushed the back of his ear, 'Don't ever think that I don't.'

Ethan clung to his hand like a lifeline, Mark holding him with so much tenderness that he just melted into it, his breathing ever so slowly calming until silence finally fell upon the room. 'I should probably take a shower', Ethan spoke so softly, his voice still weak, shaking, and it filled Mark with so many emotions. Mark nodded, as Ethan reluctantly unwrapped himself from Mark, and with unsteady legs made his way to the shower. After a second, he heard the water turn on.

With Ethan gone, Mark finally had space to think, process everything that had just happened. He didn't even want to think about it, half-knowing yet pushing out what the logical side of his brain was telling him. He wanted to hear it from Ethan, as much as he knew it was going to break him. His heart shattered at the broken sobs he could just about hear over the sound of water running, not wanting to think about that either.

Lost in thought, he looked up when he heard the bathroom door opening, Ethan coming out- wearing nothing but a towel that hung low on his hips- and before Mark could even think he was rushing towards Ethan and enveloping him in a bone crushing hug. Ethan's breath hitched in surprise, but he softened in to it, holding Mark just as tight and burying his head in his shoulder. Mark hadn't even realized he was crying, tears dripping onto Ethan, but they were both beyond caring. It was hard to ignore Ethan's bare chest pressing against him, but the relief of Ethan being there, safe, in his arms, just about did it. 

'My- uh- towel is slipping down', Ethan intervened, giggling slightly, which made Mark's heart flutter- he hadn't seen him smile all evening. 

Mark stepped back blushing, 'Yeah, you should probably get changed', Ethan nodded and he turned and sat on the end of Ethan's bed.

'I'm sorry', Mark looked up at Ethan's voice, and they both blushed as Ethan had only just put on his boxers, and was moving to get a shirt.

'Don't be', their eye contact was so intense that neither wanted to break it, Ethan pausing, his shirt hooked over his arms but not his head. 'I'm here for you man, always, don't forget that'. Ethan nodded, and there was so much honesty in Mark's voice that- in the moment- Ethan believed him.

He finished changing, and sat cross-legged at the top of his bed, Mark turning to face him. At seeing him shiver, Mark pulled the blanket over him, and it reminded them both of that night, which seemed so long ago. Ethan lay down head resting on his pillow, and before Mark could think he was running his hand through Ethan's soft, slightly damp hair. _God he hated how he had no control over himself anymore_. 

'You tired?' he asked, and felt a sinking- oh so selfish- disappointment when Ethan nodded, getting up to leave. Except he was stopped by Ethan's voice, who also wasn't thinking.

'Please don't go', It was so soft, so tender that it had Mark immediately turning round and gently sitting himself next to Ethan. This time, it was Ethan pulling the blanket over Mark, and they found themselves lying face-to-face- in a position that was ever too close to seem platonic- for the second time that week. Ethan's head was down, holding back tears, and he hated that he was still caught up in everything.

'Do you want to talk about it?' Mark's hand raised, his fingers lifting Ethan's chin lightly so that their eyes met, leaving his hand there just long enough to make Ethan's skin tingle. Mark looked at him searchingly, 'You don't have to- we can just go to sleep or something if you want'

'No, I should probably...' he trailed off, preferring not to finish he sentence rather than Mark hearing his voice crack. 'I um- went to the restaurant, and he was there, and we had dinner. He just- he seemed so nice, I really didn't know, I really didn't think-' Ethan was cut off by his own sob, his efforts to hold his emotions in blatantly not working. Mark pulled him into a hug, Ethan burying his face in Mark's shirt. He hated that he could do nothing more than hold him, feeling so helpless because there was nothing he could do, nothing he could fix, his heart tugging painfully because he could feel Ethan shaking in his arms. He just wanted to protect him, keep him safe, never have to let him go, ever. But Ethan wasn't his, he could hold him as much as he wanted but he could never ignore the fact that Ethan was never going to need Mark as much as he needed him, never going to want to be Mark's and Mark's alone.

Ethan took a shaky breath before continuing, mumbling into Mark's shirt, 'We wen't back to his place and... he kissed me and', he hiccuped, 'I kissed him back'. A surge of jealousy washed over Mark at the thought, hating himself for being so selfish. 'But then I asked him to stop and he didn't, and- and he got violent and there was nothing I could do, I just panicked and _oh god_ Mark I-I think if I hadn't of got out he would have- he'd-' Mark pulled him impossibly closer as Ethan broke down into even more violent sobs, as if the tighter he held him the more he could protect him- stop him from ever feeling like this again. Ethan gripped Mark's shirt, beyond caring that his tears had soaked through the fabric, feeling so grateful that Mark was there otherwise he didn't think he'd be able to cope.

Mark wanted to comfort him, wanted to say that it was ok, but it wasn't true, it _wasn't_ ok, and he was so scared that if he opened his mouth those terrible words would come out. _I love you_. God, they filled his head so much he didn't even have space to think. He loved him so much he felt like he wasn't even a person without him- Ethan brought out every good thing in him and it was hard to deal with- knowing that you'd be a shell of a person without someone. Because that's what love is about isn't it? He wanted to be someone else- someone good enough to deserve Ethan, and when he was around him he became that person, that better version of himself, a version of himself that he wanted to be for the rest of his life if Ethan would have him.

'Thank you' Ethan mumbled, as soon as he had got his breathing under control, so close that Mark could feel the vibrations of his voice on his chest . Mark just looked down at him, heart aching with love and pain and anger. He leaned down slowly and placed an ever-so-gentle kiss in Ethan's hair, so soft he wasn't even sure if he would feel it, but oh did he notice. He noticed, and his breath hitched slightly, Mark being so close he could feel his breath catching on his hair. The feeling intensified- rushing through him. That feeling he always got around Mark, but could never put the words to describe it- it was just warm, and safe, and everything he ever wanted. It overwhelmed him, but he didn't think about it too hard, instead choosing to drift off to sleep in Mark's arms, and pretend it wasn't what he wanted to do every night for the rest of his life.

-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading!! i promise the next chapter is happier lol


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry it's been so long, I kind of lost inspiration. I really hope you like this chapter, there's probably two more before the end. As always, criticism/advice is always appreciated, and if you have any ideas for something I could write after this feel free to let me know :) Thanks for reading and I hope you enjoy!

Ethan woke to the sound of his alarm clock, feeling but not really registering a strong arm wrapped around him from behind, and the sound of Mark's soft breathing quickening slightly as he awoke.

'You gonna switch that off?' Mark murmured, his voice sending electricity buzzing down Ethan's spine.

' 'M too lazy' he mumbled in response, 'It'll switch off in a minute'. He shivered slightly from the cold, and Mark pulled him closer by his waist, humming softly into his hair. Ethan could feel the warmth radiating off Mark, curling into it and tangling their legs together, both of them too tired to be embarrassed, or even aware of their actions.

God knows how long later, the sound of their doorbell rang throughout the house. Ethan blinked his eyes open slowly, waking up faster than he would normally when he noticed that he wasn't alone. Mark was wrapped around him, his arms holding them so close that he could feel his back pressed against Mark's chest, feel every inch of them that was in contact, their legs intertwined. Ethan could feel his heart pounding, his hands almost shaking from the intensity of the situation. _God, this was everything he wanted and everything he knew he couldn't have. _ It pained him to untangle himself, or at least attempt to, sitting up with Mark's stubborn arm still swung lazily over him. Mark began to stir at the motion, looking up sleepily at Ethan.

Their eye contact lasted a little too long, the image of Ethan- just about illuminated from the light that bled through the blinds, hair tousled and eyes tired but soft- burning into Mark's brain. He couldn't help but be jealous of anyone who ever got to wake up to this, and wondered why they would ever give it up.

The doorbell sounded again, twice this time, and it dawned on both of them at once, their eyes widening in realization. They were filming a video with Sean today. Cursing, they both rushed downstairs opening the door to a slightly impatient looking Irishman.

'Shit, sorry man, we both slept in' Mark started, glancing at Ethan for confirmation.

'Yeah sorry, we haven't got anything ready yet, I'll- uh go set up the filming equipment' Ethan added before rushing off to the filming room.

Sean raised his eyebrows questioningly at Mark before entering, 'It's ok, I don't have any plans later anyway.'

Soon they were ready to start filming- their first video of the day being a blindfolded obstacle course. Around their garden they had scattered chairs, dog toys, boxes and the like for them to maneuver around.

After a somewhat inconclusive three-way scissors, paper, rock, Ethan was set to go first. Sean was at the far end of the course, waiting to guide Ethan through, and Mark was fastening his blindfold. Ethan could feel his proximity, and the warmth of his forearms on either side of his head. He could still feel the residual tension from this morning, a slight stiffness in his shoulders, a slight hesitancy in Mark's touch. Mark's hands dropped to the sides of Ethan's arms to spin him around, gently but fast.

'What's the point in spinning me when Sean will just tell me which way to go anyway?' he giggled, trying to break the uneasy silence.

Mark's consequent laughter warmed Ethan's stomach, his cheeks doing the same, tinging with pink when Mark's hand landed on the small of his back, halting him. He bit his lip nervously, and Mark thanked God for the blindfold between them so that Ethan couldn't notice the way his eyes flitted to the boy's mouth. Mark backed away blushing.

These moments didn't go unnoticed by Sean, watching the way Mark would stutter when Ethan would accidentally or not-so-accidentally brush against him or the way Ethan would blush profusely the many times Mark would touch his arm or back comfortingly. Whatever _the fuck_ was going on between them he felt like he should leave for them to figure out, hoping both of them wouldn't be too clueless. Somehow, that already seemed to be the case.

It was nearing mid-afternoon when they were filming the intro to their last video- a mario kart tournament. They were seated with Ethan in the center, and Mark was blabbing on at the camera about death or something, his arm slung lazily over the back of the sofa while the other two set up the game. It wasn't by any means a small sofa, but somehow Mark and Ethan managed to sit just close enough so that their shoulders touched, adjacent legs pressing into each other. Sean just found it funny how that always seemed to happen. Honestly, with them living together and such, hanging out with them sometimes felt like third-wheeling to a couple- the amount of inside jokes and giggles they shared was impressive, and although he had known Mark for years, it was weird to see him this close with somebody else.

Needless to say, it became clear that the two must have played this game many times that the camera had not seen- it was hard to keep up with their practiced and perfected knowledge of the courses, and it was only Ethan's lack of focus that gave him a chance of coming second. You see, Ethan couldn't help but be distracted by the man sitting so close to him, and it took a lot of effort to keep his eyes trained on the screen in front of him, especially when Mark was laughing at his jokes and quips.

They had finished up, and Ethan had gone to fetch his jumper that he'd accidentally left outside, leaving Mark and Sean to pack up the filming equipment.

Sean spoke up, 'What are you gonna do?'

'Hm?' Mark glanced up from the camera he was dismounting to see Sean staring at him face on.

'About Ethan?'

Mark's heart picked up, almost on instinct at hearing the boy's name. 'What do you mean?' he asked, hoping it was not what he thought, y'know, the thing he most definitely did not want to be talking about. He didn't want one of these cameras to end up like his phone.

'C'mon mate I think you know what I mean, don't act dumb. Are you going to do something about it or what? God knows he's too much of an idiot to but I thought you were smarter than this.'

'I don't know what you're talking about', he averted eye contact, looking down and pretending to focus on the camera. His knuckles had turned white with the tightness he was gripping it with. _If Sean can figure it out in a day, what's stopping Ethan from too? What it he already knows? God, he hopes not._

'Mark', Sean spoke softly, probing, eyes still trying to meet his.

'You guys need a room or something?' Ethan's voice rang out as he came into the room, pulling his jumper over his head. He smiled at them, in a way that made Mark's heart flutter- _but he was used to that by now-_ 'Anything wrong?' His eyes searched them with curiosity.

Mark glanced at Sean, hoping he wouldn't bring it up. He didn't know what he'd do if Ethan found out, couldn't imagine living without him in his life.

'Nah, just packing away, just send me over any footage you want me to edit ok?' Sean replied and Mark felt himself let out a breath of relief he didn't realise he had been holding. They finished putting everything away, seeing Sean out, both of them hugging him goodbye. When the door closed the house went silent.

Mark turned to Ethan, the intensity of his eye contact already making Ethan nervous. 'Are you alright?' he asked softly, gently touching the side of his arm, 'We never really got a chance to talk about yesterday.' Ethan's eye's dropped away from his quickly, not really wanting to think about it.

'Uh yeah, I asked Dr. Phillips if I could drop by in about an hour or so, if that's ok'. She was Ethan's therapist, and Mark felt a small surge of relief that Ethan was going to open up to someone about it, as he knew it was something he often avoided.

'Yeah 'course, that's a really good idea. I can make us dinner afterwards if you want.'

Ethan glanced back up finally, a small grin appearing on his face that sent a streak of pride through Mark, 'That sounds nice'.

Mark pulled him into a hug, wrapping his arms tightly around his waist and back, Ethan's over his shoulders. _God his heart was bursting from this man._ They stayed like that for a minute, neither wanting to let go, only stopped by a notification on Mark's phone.

'It's my editor' he said, stepping back and checking the text. 'He wants me to look over this video before I post it.'

'Ok, I'll uh- go get ready'.

'Let me know before you leave'.

About an hour later, Ethan's head poked around Mark's door- 'I'm going now'.

Mark looked up, smiling 'Ok call me if you need anything'.

Ethan returned his smile before ducking back out, Mark still looking at the last place he was. He was only struck out of his thoughts when he heard the door slam. _God, this man was going to be the death of him._


End file.
